Unwritten Page 18

  “I’m here,” he said softly, his face pressed into her hair.

  They’d given her pain medication before she left the hospital, but not enough to account for the total numbness she felt right now. Her knee. The tour…

  “Tell me what you need,” he said.

  “I don’t know.” She wanted to fling the crutches against the wall and scream until her throat bled. She wanted to kiss Josh until she’d forgotten everything that had gone wrong. She wanted…

  “You should lie down,” he said. “And we need to get you out of those clothes.”

  Her clothes. She was still wearing the blue-sequined outfit she wore during the encore, with Josh’s jacket wrapped around her shoulders. It was wrong to be standing in her home, dressed for the stage. It was wrong to have a full-length brace on her right leg. This was all wrong…

  “I—” But she didn’t know what to say.

  “Tomorrow, we’ll set up the guest bedroom for you so that you don’t have to go up and down the stairs, but for tonight, I’m going to carry you up.” Josh took charge in that gentle, familiar way of his. He took the crutches from her and set them against the wall, then swept her into his arms and carried her up the stairs, laying her in her bed. “How do you want to do this?”

  “Do what?” She propped herself up on her elbows. Ben and Jerry had followed them into the bedroom and jumped up on either side of her, sniffing at the brace on her leg, tails wagging.

  Josh gestured at her clothes. “We need to get you into something more comfortable.”

  “I need a shower,” she whispered. Her face was caked in stage makeup, her whole body grimy with dried sweat and the lingering antiseptic smell of the hospital.

  Josh nodded. “I’ll help you.”

  “You don’t have to—”

  “I want to. Let me help you, Kate.” He sat beside her, his expression so earnest that she felt something deep inside her heart crack open. God, she’d missed him so much…

  Nodding, she slid toward him and let him lift her out of bed, carrying her into the bathroom. He set her down outside the shower.

  “Once I take this off, I don’t want you to move, okay? Just let me do everything.”

  She stood perfectly still as Josh removed the brace. When it was off, she chanced a glance at her knee. It was red and swollen, but she wouldn’t have known from looking at it just how badly damaged it was.

  Josh lifted her arms and helped her slide out of her tank top and bra, then slid her shorts to the floor, his touch warm and comforting. He lifted her right out of her shorts so that she didn’t have to bend her leg, setting her down inside the shower. Then he stripped to his boxer briefs and stepped in beside her.

  She was naked, but she didn’t feel exposed. Josh made her feel safe and cherished, even now. Especially now. She tugged the elastic from her hair, releasing her ponytail, then removed the extensions and various bobby pins while Josh started the water.

  He angled the spray away from her until it had warmed. As the hot water beat down on her, some of the numbness started to melt away. Her knee throbbed like someone was continuously stabbing it, each time more viciously than the last.

  But it was nothing compared to the pain in her heart.

  Josh helped her out of the shower and dried her off. She wrapped herself in a towel as he refastened the brace around her leg. It was going to be a bitch to sleep in, not that she slept well on a good night.

  He carried her to her bed and helped her slip into a silky nightgown that wouldn’t interfere with the brace. Then he brought her crutches up and propped them beside the bed.

  They stared at each other in silence.

  In some ways, it was like she’d never left, like they were still the inseparable couple they’d been for those precious weeks in September. But they weren’t. She had left, and things had gotten strained between them even before then. He might want to pick things up now that her tour had been canceled and she could just be Kate again for a little while, but that wasn’t enough. It would never be enough.

  She needed him, craved him with an intensity that was almost overwhelming. On top of everything else…she couldn’t do this, not right now. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.” His voice had gotten low, gruff. Intimate.

  “You should go now,” she whispered.

  His eyes narrowed. “Kate…”

  “Go home. Please.” She rolled away. She could feel the heat of his stare on her back.

  And then, finally, she heard his steps as he left the room. She wrapped her arms around herself and tried to hold together all the broken pieces of her heart.

  17

  New York had completed its annual transformation into a scene from a holiday card. Below Kate’s balcony, the trees in Central Park glittered with strands of white lights, casting a soft glow over the people walking among them. The only thing missing was a fresh coat of snow.

  “So, I thought maybe you could get us tickets for the Rockettes,” Doreen said from the couch.

  Kate kept staring out the window. “Surely you can find someone else to go with you.”

  “Well, I was hoping we could make it a double date—you and Josh, and Fred and me. You know, to celebrate finishing my radiation treatments.”

  “You should celebrate. Take Fred.” The Christmas season was hard enough for Kate already without having her mother here reopening old wounds.

  “Well, I just thought…” Doreen drifted off, her tone plaintive.

  Kate turned to face her. “What, Mom? What did you think? Because I don’t know what we’re doing. You act like you want to be part of my life, but every time I turn my back, you start talking shit about me on TV.”

  “I was only telling the truth.” Doreen leaned back in her seat, narrowing her eyes. “We come from the wrong side of the tracks, Kate. There’s no shame in admitting who we are or where we came from.”

  “I don’t care who knows where I grew up. The point is that I asked you not to give interviews about me, and you did it anyway.”

  “I’m sorry, okay?” Doreen looked genuinely remorseful. “This whole fame thing is new and exciting for me, and I got carried away.”

  Kate could only hope she meant it. Somehow, every time she was around her mother, she felt herself getting drawn back into her web, like she was slowly being smothered by the past…

  Kate and Doreen left together shortly after. Anton drove first to Doreen’s building to drop her off before taking Kate to her daily physical therapy appointment. By the time she got home, she had to rush to get ready for a meeting with Harry. He’d called earlier and asked to see her, and she hoped for once he came bearing good news. A brisk knock at the door drew her away from the window, and she paused to turn on the fireplace as she walked to answer the door.

  He stood in her doorway in a black wool jacket and grey slacks, a bulging manila envelope tucked under his arm. “How’s the knee today?”

  “Feeling good, thanks.” She led the way into the living room. It had been a month since she’d had surgery to repair the torn ligaments, and she was no longer required to wear a brace except during physical therapy. Rehab was grueling, but nothing she couldn’t handle. After tour preparations, it was practically a vacation.

  According to her doctor, Kate was already ahead of the game with her recovery. The pain had dulled, and she itched to get back to work. Since performing was off the table until she’d finished healing, she had started writing some new songs, but truthfully, her writing muse was failing her right now.

  So she’d decided that she needed an acting gig to keep her busy while she recuperated. Harry and Vero were working as hard as they could to find one for her. The problem was, most movies casting now didn’t begin shooting for months, and she needed to get back to work now. If she spent another day cooped up in her condo, she might implode.

  “I brought a couple of new scripts for you to look at,” Harry said.

  “Great, thanks.” She accepted the package he
pushed toward her across the coffee table. “Anything promising?”

  “Possibly. We’ll talk after you’ve read them.” He paused. “Doreen called me yesterday to ask if I could put her in touch with a publisher for her book.”

  He changed subjects so quickly she froze with a script in one hand. It dropped with a thud onto the carpet. “What?”

  “I don’t like anything about this. You’re spending a fortune right now covering all her medical expenses and putting her up here in the city, and this is how she repays you?”

  She stared down at the script lying discarded on the rug between her feet.

  “Kate, can I speak frankly with you?”

  She looked up. “Don’t you always?”

  “I suppose I do.” He gave her a weary smile. “Look, I don’t want to overstep my role as your manager, but she’s taking advantage of you. She’s emotionally blackmailing you with her cancer diagnosis while she tries to cash in on her own five minutes of fame.”

  Kate opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

  “Honey, I don’t know what went on in your house while you were growing up, but I have a few suspicions, and none of them are good.”

  She drew back, her heart scrambling around in her chest like a frightened animal.

  “Kate.” He sat quietly until she met his eyes. “You’ve been under a lot of stress lately. Maybe you should talk to someone.”

  She looked away. His phone call the morning after her drunken screwup at Velvet with Ted Wilhelm would forever haunt her. In seven years as her manager, it was the first time he’d lost his temper with her. The first time she’d disappointed him. Not nearly as much as she’d disappointed herself. “I’m fine.”

  His eyes narrowed.

  “I’ll be fine,” she amended. “I just need a new project to keep me busy. Vero called this morning. She told me about the role in Final Testimony.”

  “I had asked her not to, but I’m guessing she told you that as well.”

  Kate leaned back with a sigh. “You think I can’t handle it.”

  Conventional wisdom said he was right. This role could either make or break her, with the latter being a very definite possibility. She told Vero she’d think about it, and she’d planned to say no. But now, facing Harry’s doubts and the mountain of bad publicity still looming over her head, she knew that she would say yes. The cards might be stacked against her right now, but she wasn’t going down without a fight.

  “Do you think you can?” he countered.

  “I know I can,” she said with sudden certainty. “It’s an amazing opportunity, and it starts shooting next week. Next week. I can get the hell out of this condo and get back to work.”

  Harry had no argument for that. None of the scripts he’d passed along began shooting so soon. This was a fortunate coincidence. Anna Harding, the actress originally cast in the role, had just announced her pregnancy and dropped out, leaving producers scrambling for a replacement at the same time Kate found herself with a canceled tour and open calendar.

  Best of all, it was shooting primarily in New York. Let’s face it, there was a reason she was still here in the Big Apple and not recuperating at home in LA where she belonged. A reason with hazel eyes that made her heart go pitter-pat.

  “You’ll have to audition. This is a far cry from romantic comedy. Your name would never have come up if not for Vero.”

  “I know.”

  Harry sighed. “And goddammit, Kate, you’ll nail the audition. I know it as well as you do. You’ll be brilliant, but is it worth it? We can find something else. This is not the right role for you, not now.”

  What did he mean by that? His words were startlingly accurate, but Harry couldn’t know why this role was so dangerous for her. He didn’t know. No one knew. She lifted her chin. “I’m going to audition.”

  Harry’s doubts only fueled her need to succeed. She would pull this off.

  “Vero also told you about the celebrity coach opening on Pop Idol,” Harry said. “She said you turned it down.”

  “That’s not a job, Harry. It’s only one night a week.” And it filmed in LA…

  “One night is better than none, and it would be a perfect way to get back in front of your fans. I could even work a live performance into your contract. Frankly, it’s a smarter career move than auditioning for Final Testimony.”

  He was right, of course. She was being irrational, but the thing was, she didn’t care. If she could land a role that allowed her to stay here in New York—and with Josh—for a little while longer, then she was going to take it. Reconnecting with him was the only good thing that had come out of her injury, and she couldn’t bring herself to walk away again…not yet.

  After Harry left, she bundled up in her coat and hat, desperate to escape the confines of her condo. She shivered as she left the shelter of her building, and not just from the cold. It was a dark time of year for her, as December 26th approached. The entire season made her want to run and hide. But the demons wouldn’t beat her, not this year. She felt reckless and bold as she walked toward Rockefeller Center, the mother lode of all things Christmas.

  It wasn’t a long walk from her building. She threaded her way through the park, then headed down Sixth Avenue about ten blocks to Fiftieth Street. In a crowd like this, it was easy to be anonymous. With her face buried inside her hat and scarf, she looked like everyone else out gawking at the holiday decorations.

  The pathway to Rockefeller Center was lined with smaller trees and heralded on each side by a row of angels, lit with hundreds of twinkling white lights. Each one held a golden horn pointed skyward to create an archway for the holiday revelers to walk through.

  Even to her jaded eyes, it was beautiful.

  She snapped a photo to share on her social media later, once she was safely back home. She walked into the plaza and stood before NBC Studios, remembering the last time she had been here, performing as part of the Today show Summer Concert Series. She pictured herself superimposed over the holiday crowd in her shimmering red tank top and black pants, twirling and dancing as she belted out the lyrics to “I Wish.”

  I wish I could redo everything that’s happened since.

  She brushed the feelings away and continued on until she reached the world-famous tree. Eighty feet of towering Norway spruce lit to excess with white, blue, green, red, and yellow lights. It was probably enough to dazzle even those who had seen it every year of their lives.

  Kate had seen the Rockefeller Christmas tree for the first time when she was seventeen. She and her best friend Leah Buffo concocted foolproof alibis for themselves on a school-sponsored ski trip, then neglected to turn in the permission slips so they wouldn’t be missed on the bus to Powder Ridge. Instead, they’d driven Leah’s beat-up old Chevy to the MTA station in Bridgeport and taken the train into Manhattan for the weekend.

  They’d arrived at Grand Central Station, feeling larger than life and giddy with freedom. Of course, growing up in Connecticut, they’d been to New York before, but never on their own, and never at Christmastime.

  They’d been so young, so innocent, so filled with dreams for the future. They’d both fantasized about a life in the spotlight, Kate as a singer, and Leah as an actress. They planned to move to LA together after they graduated and share an apartment as they worked to make their dreams a reality. Of course, that never happened.

  Just two weeks later, everything changed. She never saw Leah again.

  Instead, Kate spent her last twenty dollars on a bus ticket back to New York. She’d lived in youth hostels and waitressed as she completed her GED. Life was different then. Before, and after. Being a singer was no longer as important as just…surviving.

  But she’d survived, gone on to realize all her dreams and then some. And she’d keep on surviving, whatever the cost.

  * * *

  Josh called the next day and offered to stop by with sandwiches. Kate had crossed a line the night she’d busted her knee. She’d allowed herself to
lean on him, and it was only going to make losing him that much more painful when the time came.

  And it was coming. If she got the role in Final Testimony, they might get another month together, but once it was finished filming, she would no longer have any excuse to stay in New York or with him. Not that she was with him. Hell, she had no idea what was going on between her and Josh these days.

  They spent a lot of time together…as friends. Was he keeping his distance because of the headlines about her and Ted Wilhelm? Or because she’d pushed him away when she was hurting the night of her accident? Or had he moved on and only thought of her as a friend now? Whatever the reason, it was some kind of crazy torture keeping her hands to herself. And for that very reason, it was probably for the best that they remain just friends. Things between them were complicated enough as it was.

  She often caught herself thinking about him, about being with him, holding him, kissing him…about a fantasy where they could be together. But Josh wouldn’t settle for second best. Even if he discovered that true love did come twice in a lifetime, Kate wouldn’t be the one he loved. She with her glitzy, shallow lifestyle, who had nothing to offer but a world of heartache once her mother’s book hit the stands.

  He knocked right at noon, a white paper bag from Tony’s Deli in one hand, two cappuccinos from Olive’s in the other. She smiled as she invited him in. Since it was Sunday, he wore jeans and a long-sleeved T-shirt under a heavy winter coat, his cheeks coated in a day or two of stubble.

  “New songs?” He gestured to the notebook on the table, today filled mostly with doodles rather than lyrics.

  “A few.” They sat side by side on the couch to eat their turkey sandwiches. She curled her left foot under her and sat sideways so that she faced him. “Are you finished prepping for final exams?”

  “Just about. Can’t believe the semester’s almost over.”

  “What will you do during winter break?” she asked.